What follows is the 'transcript' if it were recorded by an evil-doer standing by:
Inside Terminal 2 of Changi Airport, mid-day, main character (me) approaches the check-in counter after curb side drop off. He walks in, reads sign that says check-in counter is #12. Pulls luggage to counter 12 from counter 2 where he was dropped off:
Me: Hi, checking in for the SQ flight to NRT. (SQ is the airline code for Singapore Air and NRT is the airport code for Narita aka. Tokyo Airport)
Generic Airport Worker for SQ: Oh yeah, you need counter 4. Back that way. (Points back the direction the main character just walked)
Me: Great.
Main character politely turns around and heads right back to where he started. Standing at the counter 4, terminal 2. Biz class check-in.
Me: Hi, checking in for the SQ flight to NRT.
Evil Counter Lady 1: 11 (something something) flight tonight?
Me: Yes
ECL 1: You need to go to Terminal 1.
Me: Ugh.
Main character lugs bags around this gigantic, clean but fairly empty airport. Working up a sweat, our man takes a tram, swings luggage around dozens of long hallways and corners and chugs up to counter number 2, terminal 1.
Me: checking in for 11:45 flight to Narita...
ECL2: Uh, huh, there is no early check in for that flight here.
Me: Say what?! (pretty sure that was what I said)
ECL2: And you need terminal 3.
Me:
Main character repeats moving luggage only in the continued direction ALL THE WAY around the airport to terminal 3. More sweat. Luggage getting larger and heavier by the meter. Main character makes way to counter for Biz Class check-in counter.
Me: Yeah, checking in for SQ Flight 5902 - NRT at 11:45
ECL3: You need terminal 1. Do you know where that is?
Me: WHAT?! Of course I know where that is, I was there and they sent me here. I have been to all three terminals already.
ECL3: Well, that is a code share flight for SQ and is run by ANA, so you need to check in there.
Me: But my United sheet says this is an SQ flight (pulls out sheet).
ECL3: SQ doesn't do four number flights, that is operated by All Nippon Air. Terminal 1.
Main character turns and says things that make nearby small children cry and little kittens around the world mew in pain. Somewhere a mother is actually embarrassed by a son.
Cursing his way back to Terminal 1, sweating now more than ever and spewing foulness in a 20' radius, our character says to no one in particular:
Me: I HATE THIS AIRPORT.
Nearby Singapore Policeman: I'm sorry - what was that?
Me: Uh, I said 'man, this airport has grown' since the last time I was here.
NSP: Yup, added a whole new terminal.
Me: I know, I have visited it - AND - all the other ones... (the sarcasm didn't get noticed)
NSP: Take care and have a good flight
Our main character, having just narrowly missed a caning the likes of which are reserved only for spitting, graffiti artist, gum chewers checks himself before he wrecks himself. Now having reached Terminal 1, counter 4 AGAIN pushing what must now look like a full freight train, or at least that is what it feels like we are sure.
Me: Hi. REMEMBER ME? (speaking through tightly pulled lips that arrange to a smile last seen in a Batman, on the Joker)
ECL1: You back again?
Me: YES - I'd like to check in for ANA flight 5902, 11:45 to NRT.
ECL1: ANA does not check in this early...
Me: But what about Business class?!?
ECL1: Oh, sure. (takes offered passport, scans it into the system and looks up, worried) Sir, you aren't on that flight.
Me: WHAT ....DO....YOU....MEAN... I am NOT on that flight?!
ECL1: I don't have you on this flight.
Me: (hands over evil United Itinerary) SEE? This flight right here. (Points to the flight leg he is attempting to check in on)
ECL1: Sir, can you step over to the Business check in lounge? I don't have you on this flight and there is nothing I can see here...
Me: Where is this lounge?
Evil Counter MAN1: Over there (he thumbs over his shoulder at the apparent lounge just behind the counter.
Me:
Our character pulls luggage over to the business lounge and is directed to a (get this) smiling gate agent.
NiceGateAgent1: How may I help you?
Me:
NGA1: Yes, of course. I can check you in - they don't have agents here now but let's see what I can do. (Takes passport, scans it into system and then looks up) Sir, I don't have you on that flight.
Me: Yes, so I have been told. I have my itinerary right here and as you can see, United says I am on this flight.
NGA1: Yes, but I cannot find you under any name (screen is visible and you can clearly see that even partial first, last and even middle names brings up nothing). Do you have a ticket number from previous flight?
Me: Yes, here is my first leg stub.
NGA1: (already on phone to ANA and confirms no Raleigh or Mann or Dav... or Ral...or Man...) Ah, that will help. (Punches some keys, screen shows entire ticket AND flight 5902 is listed)
Hmmm...Sir there are no seats available on that flight. United didn't push through the record correctly or something - I see its ticketed by ANA does not have a record of this seat request.
Me: Where the heck is United in this airport so I can go have a *chat* with them?
NGA1: Oh, they only have a single flight at 4:30am every day, so they aren't here.
Me: Wha...?
NGA1: I am on the phone with ANA, they could squeeze you on a flight...in coach.... it leaves at
Me: NO, I paid for Business and damned if United won't get me on a flight in Business with SQ.
NGA1: I have already checked and there are two flights that have available seating with SQ. One to NRT via Bangkok and one direct.
Me: DIRECT....please.
NGA1: Oh, I can't book it, United has to do this.
Me: (calling number on back of 1K card, gets universal tone indicating not a number that is reachable) Do you have a local number for United?
NGA1: I am already on the phone with their local reservations desk. (he turns to the phone call previously unoticed) Yes, I am calling from Thai Air for a Mr. Mann...yes, eticket number 555555555555555 (hollywoodized so no one can look up this actual ticket) no seats available on that flight....yes, they offered another flight in coach but Mr. Mann.... Yes, can you see about getting him on...Sure. Ahmed. And you are? Ok, fine. (hangs up) She is going to call back. Can you sit over there please? (points to no-mans-land seating where the crass and unclean go when they inadvertently walk into this lounge)
Me: What are they doing about this?
NGA1: I don't know for sure, she put me on hold a bunch but says that apparently the seat reservation didn't go through. She is going to call back. (smiles an attempting reassuring smile)
Me: Do you have a local number for United? Never mind. (sends sms for travel friend to send UA direct dial numbers)
Main character is now seated in the 'waiting area' of the check in lounge. A very loudly playing television is nearby, blasting the Ellen Degeneres Show while he is furiously dialing the Evil United 1K desk.
Me: Hello? Can you hear me? (main character covers other ear to block out the cooking segment where Ellen is cooking with an entire Italian family - some sort of fried mozzarella sandwich that looks quite tasty)
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: Yes, how may I help you?
Me: Yes, I am trying to get on a flight that *supposedly* was ticketed by United but I am being told there is no reservation for me and NOW they don't have seats so I am stuck in Singapore...
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: Sir, can I have your reservation number locator?
Me: MVBKVC (close enough), I have been to every counter here in Changi...
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: (cutting main character off) Sir, I see this its fine. What do you mean they don't see this ticket in their system?
Me: I don't know what it means but they cannot find me in their system and now there is no seating...
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: (again, cutting main character off) I see it right here.
Me: Well why can't I get a seat THEN?!
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: Sir, I don't know what to tell you...
Me: (my turn to cut her off) They...DO...NOT...HAVE...ME....IN...THEIR....SYSTEM
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: Well can't they find the record by the 16 digit ticket number 555555555555555?
Me: Yes, but I don't have a seat as the record never got pushed to them I am being told.
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: Sir, someone is changing your record right now, they just deleted this leg...
Me: Yes, a very nice man from Thai AIR cares enough to try to help me and he called the Singapore United reservation desk who said they'd call back. Its been 30 mins and as far as I know I am stuck here in Singapore thanks to U-NITED.
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: Well, someone is trying to do something...
Me: YES, SOMEONE! Not YOU, why does United hate me and want me to fly everyone else? I will be glad to fly my 110,000 miles with someone else this year if this is the lack of customer care I can expect from United. There isn't an office or agent at this airport, the number on my card doesn't work outside the country and as far as you care - someone somewhere might be helping me.
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: Sir, would you like to speak to my supervisor?
Me: I just want to hear that you are sorry for my experience and now after 2.5 hours of trying to check in for a flight, that United it going to help me get to my next destination.
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1:Hold for my supervisor
A long few minutes pass...
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1:Sir, my supervisor says this wasn't united's fault but that perhaps our computer and ANA's computer didn't speak to each other and get this seat booked.
Me: You are blaming the computer when all I asked for was...
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: (performing yet another tactical cut off) Sir, we cannot compensate you for something that isn't our fault.
Me: I am not looking for compensation - I want you to put yourself in my shoes and as a representative of United tell me you are sorry for my experience and will make sure I can get to my next destination. That is all I want.
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: Sir, my supervisor says this isn't our fault.
Me: THAT ISN'T THE CASE FROM WHERE I AM STUCK STANDING
EvilUnited1KCustomerDisServicelady1: I am sorry you having this issue....
Me: Finally, at last you are sorry about something. I will take that as an apology (it wasn't, it was now blaming me for having an issue) that is all I wanted.
(hangs up, says some French words for United)
NGA1: Sir, I have confirmed you are booked on SQ flight 683 to Narita at 11:40, gets in at 7am(ish).
Me: Thank you so much. You have been very helpful.
NGA1: (moving bag back off of scale and onto a trolly) Um, you need to check in at Terminal 3.
More kittens mew, more children cry.
Now if this were a hollywood screen play this would be where we 'end scene' and the audience would have laughed and laughed at our main character's simple plight. But this is real life...
(Cut to Terminal 3 where our main character thinks to himself how much easier the airport is to get around with a trolly pushing the luggage instead of lugging it behind on those little two wheels)
Enter the train where our Nearby Singapore Policeman is on the tram...*still*.
Me: Hi, still lovin' this airport! (sarcasm hopefully not well known yet to this policeman)
NSP: Yes, its nice.
Our character returns back to the same counter (the second one he visited earlier?)...
Me: Remember me?
EGA3: Yes, how you doing?
Me: I am here to check in on SQ 683 now.
Several nearby agents mention something about our character looking familiar.
Me: Just happy to have a seat at this point.
EGA3: Ok, all set. Here is your ticket, leaves out of - hrm, gate isn't assigned yet. Look for the assignment much, MUCH later. (like 5 hours from now)
Me: Will do. Can I get to terminal 2's mall from this terminal?
EGA3: Sure, just follow...
(dissolve to next scene - our man sitting at his favorite Noodle House in Changi Airport, previously blogged and mentioned in the very adjacent post to this one).
Me: Hey you have new menus.
Waitress: Yes, you want this? (points to new 'special fried rice supreme').
Me: NO. I am allergic to seafood. No seafood. I would like BBQ Pork fried rice.
Waitress: Vegetarian? No seafood...
Me: No, BBQ fried rice please
Waitress: Oh, seafood ok?
Me: No - no seafood. DEATLY allergic to shrimp, lobster - NO SEAFOOD.
Waitress: Ok, BBQ Pork fried rice
Me: And a tiger beer
Watiress: And a tiger
(montage of some background american rock replayed by Chinese elevator music group - sounds familiar but very hard to place which song)
Our main character pulls out the laptop to blog his encounter. Beer shows up. He writes some more. Some food arrives, some dipping sauces. He begins to eat a dim sum bite and blog in between bites. Fried rice shows up. It looks dry.
Our character takes a bite - too much saffron on top. Pulls it aside. Still dry. Moves back to dim sum, easier to eat and write. Finished blog entry. Music continues. He finished the small plates and his beer. Decides to try fried rice again.
Me: Can I get some soy sauce please?
Waitress: Soy sauce? Oh, sure, ok. Soy sauce.
Main character wonders if he insulted someone somewhere just now.
Waitress returns with soy sauce. Our man looks over his blog. Makes some changes. Relaxes. Thinks to himself that he got worked up over nothing. So a few counters were visited. He had plenty of time. So he didn't actually have a seat on the plane, he has a different flight now that arrives a full 5 minutes earlier than the previous flight.
Plus he is on his second beer in his favorite Noodle House in all of Changi Airport.
Our man moves the rice around to get soy sauce covering rice, takes a bite.
Looks down.
Moves lump of rice.
Lump stays clumped.
Gigantic shrimp reveals itself in rice.
Shrimp all but jumps into our man's mouth screaming 'yeah, eat me, eat me and DIE! AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA'.
What THE F*(K?!?
Me: WAITRESS!
and.......END SCENE. Dissolve.
Queue the audience. Roll laughter. Everyone is rolling around now at our poor sap's simple afternoon trip to the airport. Viola - comedy es tragic, no?
(now someone get me the fuck out of Singapore please?!?!)
